I see it time and time again, very successful people – career, finance, health, family & friends – delaying the possibility of being happy in Love by fear of losing it all.

Of course they’ll never admit it. Since they’re so smart, why can they not figure out relationships?

“Once the business is running”, “after this project is finished”, “I’m focusing on my health right now”… there is always something more important than meeting someone. 

But will there ever be a right time for it?
Could work, wealth building, other obligations be the best excuse to not look into romance (no one can blame you for paying the bills or looking after yourself after all!)?
Are you just scared and hiding from feeling emotions?

Higher than the corporate ladder

My client Caitlin is an absolute catch! 

She’s worked hard for her career and earned the respect of her peers in a male dominated industry. She owns a 2 bedroom apartment in Sydney’s Eastern suburbs, a gorgeous Mercedes, eats in luxurious restaurants and loves her overseas holidays. She’d been single for 8 years when we met, always busy with other things until she woke up to the idea she’d like to have a family of her own. 

Until then, the idea of having a partner in her life felt like hard work, having no spare time and energy for dating, and scared it would only take her focus away from climbing the corporate ladder.

When she started dating again, she would very quickly discard the guys she met, putting them in boxes with nice labels and good reasons why it couldn’t work out. Her brain was indeed looking for safety and protecting her from any potential pain or disappointment. No one was ever good enough!

We did a few exercises acknowledging the fear to start with, and identifying what it was about, learning to tame those big feelings rather than avoiding and giving them power. 

Her life took a brand new dimension, as if colorising an old black and white movie into bright and vibrant one. Where she used to see challenges, she started seeing opportunities, new places, new people, and eventually… her special guy too!

Why emotions are your biggest ally for growth

Just like chocolate, TV, alcohol, shopping… work and success can be a buffer mechanism to not address certain emotions.

Maybe your experience has taught you that relationships are scary or dangerous. They require to get in touch with your emotions, and one can feel vulnerable, even fragile, when they do.

Whether you witnessed it in your formative years or it is the product of your own experience, you learnt that avoiding feeling, bypassing emotions, keeps you safe and in control. There is indeed a sense of control and certainty, a tangible process to creating professional results and money, whereas relationships can feel out of your hands. 

But by avoiding negative emotions, you are also robbing yourself of reaching your full potential and greater happiness. By putting all your focus and energy on managing risk, you are feeding the fear, the anxiety that something wrong might happen. Of course it never really happens… only in your own mind.

Imagine the amount of energy that could be freed, and all incredible experiences you could live and outcomes you could create, if you directed your attention to the bigger picture and allowed yourself to embrace pure happiness. Your personal life would definitely benefit, but the ripple effects would be even greater on your entire life, your career, your health, your wealth, your family too!

How to handle emotions

As there are not too many tiger running wildl in our cities these days, the biggest risk we are taking is to feel a negative emotion.

Negative emotions can be uncomfortable for sure, but they aren’t going to kill you!

Fear comes from a lack of knowing or understanding. What if we became curious and made friends with our emotions!?

Here’s a process for you to learn how to fully embrace the full range of emotions, whether you want to listen to the recording or keep reading below…

1. Find a quiet space, where you won’t be disturbed. Make yourself comfy, whether seated or lying down, you might grab a blanky or some cushion… you need to be relaxed!!!
   You want to create the safest possible environment for yourself to explore, be curious and engage with this process. 
2. Now close your eyes. Breath in… and out… Notice any tension, any sort of discomfort in your body. Inhale, and when you exhale let go of any sensation, thought, feeling that you don’t need in this moment. Relaaaaaxxx… 
3. Let’s start and get in touch with our friendly emotions. Think of some pleasant memory. As you bring up this thought, notice any sensation in your body. Is it in your heart, in your belly, maybe even in your hand or your forehead?! Is it hot, cold, maybe it’s ticklish or hitchy, or just peaceful, a deep sense of calm… just notice. If you could give it a name, what is the emotion?
   Make a note, in your mind, in your body, this is how this particular emotion feels like. It is now in your repertoire, you can access it anytime you want.
4. If you want to take it up a notch, you might want to bring up a situation you’re currently dealing with. Nothing big, but slightly uncomfortable. As you bring up the thought, notice all the sensations in your body. Don’t resist them, don’t try to push them away… it would only feed them, give them more power. Just observe, be curious. And by looking at it from a neutral place, you might realise they’re just a signal, an alert, a request for you to pay attention… this discomfort is your friend, giving you awareness about the situation, and a reminder you have the power to choose what you want to do with it. 
5. The quickest way out is through. Don’t try to change it (it’s another way to avoid). Accept and be grateful for what it had to teach you. With this new awareness, you now get to decide better thoughts, that will bring up better emotions. Maybe one of these friendly emotions in your repertoire. 
6. Make it a daily practice to feel your emotions, make friends with them. So that when really big ones arise – good or bad – you’ll know how to embrace them and not be swayed as much.

In short…

Getting in  touch with your emotions is without the shadow of a doubt the most powerful tool to achieve success in any area of your life. When you start embracing your emotions, the time and energy you used to waste in resisting and wanting to control those uncomfortable feelings (bye bye procrastination!), becomes available to do bigger and better things, including welcoming a deep, authentic, passionate relationships.

If you’ve been out of practice for a while, haven’t felt much positive or negative emotions in a while, let’s have a chat and figure out what are these emotions holding you back from achieving more!

Are you ready for your next Love story?

If you’re still asking the question, you’re definitely not [ready]!

If you were ready, you wouldn’t waste more time thinking about it, and would already be looking for all the ways to meet someone!

So how will you know when you’re ready? 

Do you know what it will look like? sound like? or feel like?

Some of us wait a long looooong time!

It took me 10 years to get over my first long relationship, and 7 more for my most recent one.

I don’t recommend you waste as much time as I did! So let me share some insights to get you in the best position to attract your ideal partner.

You see, time doesn’t heal.

You ‘just’ need to decide!

How much longer are you going to repeat that same sad story in your head?

What if you could move on… right now!?

After her breakup, Melanie hadn’t met anyone she remotely fancied for 3 years. No one compared to her ex and she was scared she would never meet someone like him. Exploring what was possible for her, the life she truly wanted and desired, and taking the steps together, she attracted someone even better after our 3rd session. She was so blown away by how fast it happened that she now calls me ‘the Love Witch’.

It starts with a simple decision…

Would you rather keep feeling sorry for yourself or take control of your life?

And if you’re hoping to find Love again, here’s how to get you started!

The first step is to know what you DO want.

When asked the question, too many people tell me what they don’t want in a partner and relationship. 

“I don’t want someone who…”

By putting all their focus and energy on all the negatives, no wonder they attract just that!

Become crystal clear on what you desire and start looking for evidence of these wonderful traits and behaviours around you. Even if they are not all in one person or even a potential romantic partner to start with.

Train your brain to see what is possible, and strengthen the belief it is somewhere out there for you.

You then need to become the best match for your ideal partner. 

The best way to come in alignment with your person is to… become your person!

If your dream partner looks after their health, goes to art galleries and loves travelling but you love Macca’s, last time you went to the museum was on a school excursion and you never left the country, chances that you hang around the same places and can entertain good conversations are slim.

Be honest with yourself! Are you ‘sorta, kinda, almost’ all the things you wish your partner to be? Or are you a 10/10?

Part of why we are attracted to people is because they have something we don’t! We admire them, and part of us wishes we were the same.

So don’t expect your partner’s qualities to rub on you, or that they will teach or complete you.

Why put pressure on them, when you are not willing to do the work yourself?!

Cultivating those qualities within yourself will provide you with such great satisfaction, pride and love for yourself. You will radiate a different energy, one that no one can ignore.

And I hear you say “but it’s not that simple!”

And what if it was? 

While focusing on all the possibilities, the sadness and the bad memories might fade away.

And old wounds may come up to the surface, try to dissuade you from moving forward, wanting to keep you in your comfort zone, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Your brain’s #1 job is to keep you safe… not happy!

Everything out of the ordinary (even “bad” ordinary) feels scary, because you’ve never done it, you’ve never been there.

What if Love and happiness was on the other side of your fears? What if your fears were pointing you in the right direction?!

And if you want to explore this a bit more, I invite you to join my Free Online Masterclass this Wednesday and share with you more tools to get ready for your next Love story.

These steps might seem simple, but they are extremely powerful! They could change your whole life… 

Writing my Friday Love letter last week, I felt inspired to share the Lessons of Seductions from Aubade, one of my favourite lingerie brands.

As these publications mostly featured gorgeous women’s bodies, I then refrained to share them, anticipating potential sleazy comments from men and/or women’s arguments against the objectification or societal body norms.

When have we (or I) become so politically correct?

But I also see how other people might see it as provocative and alluring (they were!), how women might compare themselves and come to the conclusion they are not good enough, how only showing those beautiful bodies without faces for the purpose of selling could be seen as using women (although they also had a few with men, and they are selling lingerie anyway!!!)…

And let’s agree to disagree, be curious and hear each other’s point of view without having to convince or take on board anyone else’s beliefs. Let’s keep the conversation open, explore and expand our mind.

There’s no right or wrong, only different! 

Because the real danger is not so much what is shared, but that we stop sharing. If we refrain from expressing ourselves, suppress and push down our feelings and emotions, and only talk about what is deemed acceptable, who are we really seeing/hearing/connecting with?

Life and Love can’t exist without Freedom. And all the quirky, weird, triggering and not so acceptable bits are exactly what makes Life & Love interesting, exciting, worth living. Without contrast, we wouldn’t question, think, and create more.

Keep sharing what lights you up, what makes you happy or angry, what triggers you, what makes you think… Because Life is the entire range, and Love is what brings them all together.

If you feel like you can’t be your most authentic self and create deep authentic relationships, let’s have a chat!

Getting back to the dating scene after years in a relationship can feel daunting and stressful.

When you’ve been in a relationship for 7-14-21 years, regardless of who initiated the breakup, being single again can be a bit of a shock.

It means redefining yourself and your entire life without the other person.

It is an opportunity to start again, look after yourself, become the best version of you, and deeply ask yourself “What do I truly want? What is important to ME?”

And when you come to a point where you feel at peace within yourself, excited by all the possibilities life has to offer, you’ll naturally want to share the journey with a partner and maybe start dating again.

But after all these years, where do you even start?

Closing the chapter before opening a new one

Rushing into your next relationship is recipe for disaster.

If you haven’t taken the time to reflect and draw the lessons from your previous relationship, you will most likely attract the same type of partner and relive a different version of the same story.

Ask yourself:

1. What worked?
2. What didn’t work?
3. What will I do different in my next relationship?

It is not about blaming your ex or beating yourself up for what you did or didn’t do, but evaluating as objectively as possible what happened.

You can then consciously decide what you do want in your next relationship, what kind of person you’d like to meet and what kind of person you want to be in that relationship.

Without such clarity, you might go through a lot of failed experiences and dates until you do know and can focus on what you want.

Getting excited about the process 

When it comes to finding a new partner, it is of the utmost importance to not put pressure on yourself or on the process.

It is totally normal to feel a bit nervous, but with an open mind and an open heart, you should feel excited about connecting with new people and getting to know them.

Your first date might not be your soulmate, but stay curious. They might teach you something about yourself, about relationships or lead you to new connections and opportunities.

If you desperately try to force things – by being on all the apps, swiping and texting all the time, going to 3-4 events or dates a week with intention of meeting someone – I invite you to ask yourself “What is the urgency?”

If your life is truly amazing already, what do you expect having a partner will do for you?

Whatever the answer is, it is already putting a lot of pressure on the relationship, before you’ve even met them.

The best way to attract a partner is to relax and live your best life.

Meeting new people

Back in the days, there were maybe no dating apps or social media. People met at social events, through friends, at work…

Nowadays, I often hear “if not through the apps, how do I meet people?”, “dating apps give more options”, “it’s a numbers game”.

And I disagree with all that!

Human beings are wired for human connection. If dating apps can be a useful tool, they are often misused. Hiding behind their screen, people often demonstrate poor behaviour they would never dare entertain in real life.

You only need one person anyway… the right person! By being the right person yourself, you are most likely to hang around the same places and people your ideal partner would spend their time and money in.

Instead of spending endless hours on dating apps and social media, I recommend you work on your bucket list! By doing the things you always dreamt of doing, you will not only feel personally fulfilled, you will radiate positive energy, exude joy and become a magnet. Everyone will want what you’re having!

And by putting yourself in those new environments and trying new things, you will also expand your network, meet new people… and most likely your partner.

Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

Meeting someone organically, through activities or an environment you’re familiar with relieves a lot of the pressure.

But when around someone you really like, you might still feel a bit nervous in their presence.

As Dr Fritz Perls, Psychiatrist & founder of Gestalt Therapy would say “Fear is excitement without the breath.”

Because it is exciting to get to know each other, to discover one another. This is also out of the ordinary, out of your comfort zone.

They might take your breath away and your heart skip a bit, exactly what your brain would qualify as danger. And if you think too much, you might even be able to rationalise why this is not a good idea to pursue this ‘amourette’.

Your brain simply wants to keep you safe. But if you follow your brain rather than your heart, you will never get to experience the romantic life you long for.

Take a deep breath, feel all the feels and enjoy the present moment.

Learning and growing

Each date, whether at the very beginning or in a longer term relationship, are invaluable lessons.

Your partner, and any relationship in your life, are your biggest teachers.

Like a mirror, they bring to your awareness things that you like and things that you don’t like… in them… therefore in you too!

The only reason you are able to identify the qualities or faults in others is because parts of you resonate with them, because you own those traits to some extent.

Knowing this, each date is another opportunity to learn something about the person but first and foremost about yourself. And you then get to choose to embrace or work on those parts you’re not so fond of.

Love is when you like yourself in the presence of the other person.

To sum it up…

It doesn’t necessarily take a lot of time to move on from a long term relationship and get back to the dating scene.

However, it requires commitment to yourself and the willingness to explore and expand who you are and who you want to become.

Without expectation or wanting to force the process, and with curiosity and deep appreciation for every step of the way, you will love your life even more each day and attract new opportunities, and most likely the right partner for you too!

You might genuinely think that your loved ones, your family, your friends, are the most important thing in Life.

Yet you spend a lot of time at work, you barely touch ground going from one meeting to the next, constantly on the phone, taking calls or answering emails…

You never stop. But who could blame you for working so hard, for paying the bills, setting great foundations for the future, wanting to look after your family?!

But is Work or Love coming first then? Who are you more committed to?

Priorities

Where do you spend your time and money?

Answered honestly, this very simple question reveals where your values and priorities are.

Commitment is measured by behaviour, not by words and intentions.

And you might think that all these hours of hard work are for your family, future or existing, but are they?

If you really valued them so much, wouldn’t you do anything to spend more time with them, to share all these little moments that end up being great memories?

Unfortunately, too many people wait for a crisis – a divorce, a life-threatening disease – to set their priorities straight.

Of course money makes life more comfortable but it will never patch the hole of loving connections.

Peace

Just like binge eating, binge watching TV, binge working is another way to numb pain.

This is probably the most clever and sneakier of all because no one can blame you for your financial independence or to provide for your family.

But what if you stopped for a bit?!
Would you be able to switch off?
Outside of your job and money, do you know who you are, what you want?
Are you able to connect with yourself? With others?

A lot of busy entrepreneurs and professionals feel a total loss of identity when they have to stop.

Without going as far as closure/sell of the business, redundancy or retirement, a simple holiday can send some of us into a spin, bringing to awareness all the suppressed emotions we’d rather hide under busy-ness.

Maybe work is not the cause of you being single or having a rocky relationship with your partner and/or your kids. Maybe work is the symptom of something deeper that needs to be addressed and healed.

A fear of connecting, of not being good enough, of losing yourself… just like trying to hold a balloon under water, it always eventually pops back to the surface.

Present

Working is such a great escape.

While your mind is busy with work, tapping into the logical, rational part of the brain, everything seems under control and feels safe.

Emotions, on the contrary, feel quite risky, leaving us vulnerable and potentially exposed to pain and heartache.

However, most of the pain and heartache is a mere product of our thoughts, a memory of the past or imagination of the future.

Our brain likes to think about the worst case scenario… just in case!

But while it’s getting ready for some apocalyptic scenario, where your heart is shredded to pieces, it can’t appreciate all the beauty in the world, all the love, the little things that make life so special, that is already here, and which you could get more of if only you could see it in the first place.

So I invite you to stop, just for a breath and be grateful for all you already have, without feeling the need to chase the next promotion, the next deal, the next title… just enjoy being, instead of doing.

To sum it up…

Do you really know where you’re heading? If you think more work and more money will get you the love and happiness you’re seeking for, I urge you to reassess!

Work can provide a strong sense of identity and security. But who would you be without it and what would you do with your life?

One might get lost into work to avoid feeling vulnerable and potentially exposed to pain. But by doing so, it is also closing one’s heart to all the beauty and happiness this world has to offer.